How To Perpetrate And Sell A Top-Notch Genocide

New column by Lee Camp

Column and voice-over by Lee Camp

One might think that completing and marketing a genocide to the fun-loving folks of America, the UK, etc. is nearly impossible. But in fact, you too can perpetrate your very own genocide without much fuss if you just follow these simple steps.

• Allow/facilitate an initial attack on yourself that you can pretend is the beginning of all history. Even the NY Times has reported on the Israeli government’s awareness that the Oct 7, 2023 attack was going to happen (including every last detail) for over a year in advance.

• Murder a bunch of your own people because it will help sell the casus belli. Regular people’s lives don’t matter even if they’re your own citizens.

• Commence your genocide via every means possible — bombing, shooting, starving, whatever ya got. Don’t worry about whether it “looks” too much like a genocide. You can deal with that later.

• Ban all reporters from the area because you don’t want anyone to see what’s actually happening.

• For reporters who refuse to stop reporting, go ahead and murder them.

• When you first murder a journalist, claim it was a tragic accident.

• When you next murder a journalist, claim it was because they were standing next to a terrorist.

• When you next murder a journalist, claim the journalist was also a terrorist.

• When you next murder a journalist, don’t even bother to give a reason. No one cares anymore.

• Turning the horrific and unbearable into the normal and commonplace is the key to completing a great genocide.

• Blow up hospitals and medical facilities in the region because they might help people survive, and we don’t want that.

• When you first bomb a hospital, claim it wasn’t your fault. The bad guys did it to themselves.

• When you next bomb a hospital, claim it was because the bad guys were underneath the hospital.

• When you next bomb a hospital, claim it was because the bad guys were seen going into the hospital.

• When you next bomb a hospital… ummmm… You know what, after you’ve bombed 5 or 10 hospitals, most of the world will stop asking why you did it because they’ll be bored and instead want to read stories about their favorite actor’s favorite chef’s favorite dish.

• Bomb schools, universities, community centers, places of worship, even cemeteries — anything that allows for community and ties the people to the land. Remember: You’re going to want to ethnically cleanse the survivors after your killing is done, so you don’t want them to have anything left that keeps them there.

• Cut off the food, water, and medicine in the area. Claim you did it because the bad guys were hiding in the food, water, and medicine. Logic doesn’t really matter. Westerners just want something they can repeat around the water cooler at work to explain why genocide is “totally fine.”

• Bomb or attack any aid groups operating in the region. You want to get rid of aid groups because A) they might help some of the population survive, and we can’t have that. And B) they will often report back what they saw in the genocided region, and we can’t have that either.

• When asked why you’re murdering aid workers, just rinse and repeat the same old excuses as with the bombed hospitals.

• At some point international pressure to stop your genocide might get to be too much. If that happens, move on to Phase 2: Pretending It’s A Ceasefire.

• Agree to some bullshit ceasefire plan with the genocided people. It doesn’t really matter what the agreement says because you’re not planning on abiding by any of it anyway.

• If it says you can’t steal anymore land, ignore that.

• If it says you can’t bomb anymore, ignore that.

• If it says you must allow food and medicine in, ignore that.

• If it says you must allow international aid groups in, ignore that.

• If it says you must allow the victims to leave and/or return from the area, ignore that.

• Okay, now that you have your super awesome ceasefire, you can tell the world you’re relieved the “conflict” is over while internally making it clear that nothing is over. (Oh yeah, always call it a “conflict” because people act all weird and touchy when you call it genocide.)

• Slowly steal more and more of the region until the genocide survivors are all condensed onto a completely uninhabitable tiny spit of land without food, water, medicine, or refuge.

• Luckily most of the international news media will have moved on by now as will the people donating money to help the victims. It’s been a couple years and the media rarely cares about anything for more than a few months. The only time they’ll view your genocide as worthy of coverage is when something strange or new happens — but since you’re basically just killing innocent people in the same manner you have been for over two years, there won’t be any good “news hook” there. Booooooring.

• After another year or two, make a very generous offer that the people in the “conflict zone” can “voluntarily” leave if they would like. Most will take you up on your offer because the alternative is to die.

Congratulations! You have yourself a successful genocide!

Of course don’t forget to be proactive on the propaganda front as well. Claim that anyone criticizing your genocide is antisemitic. Pay social media influencers to gush about how awesome and moral you are. Pay PR companies to “reframe” your massacres as really cool and hip. Accuse the people you’re ethnically cleansing of doing all the things you’re actually guilty of. You get the idea.

Follow these simple steps and you too can commit a nice, easy genocide without all the fuss!